This post may make some people uncomfortable, and that’s okay. I do this in efforts to keep the memories of our beautiful babies alive.
At just 21 year old, the loss of 3 babies has been nothing short of heartbreaking. I’ve often beat myself down about being so young and “in my prime,” yet being unable to successfully bring a baby into this world. It’s not a great feeling at all.
The first time we lost a baby, I let a lot of self-hatred and negativity build up within me. I questioned God often, struggling to understand why He could possibly let this happen to use. We had been trying for 7 months, granted it was off and on. It wasn’t until January 2019 when I really got serious and started tracking cycles. It was also the first time we had gotten pregnant.
I’ll be honest, I was very naive. We both were. We had never experienced this type of loss, and we always figured that the most daunting task of trying to conceive (TTC) would be actually getting pregnant. Never would we have imagined that at our ages we would lose a baby. How could we? We are in our prime, young, and healthy.
That “naivity” if you will, is what got us into a lot of trouble. We were shell shocked when we were told in the ER that we were having an inevitable miscarriage. I had bleeding a lot, but still remained hopeful that God wouldn’t fail us. That God would make everything okay.
When He didn’t, I nearly lost myself. I shut down. I asked Him many times, “Why us?” Why did we have to go through losing a baby? Why aren’t we going to be able to see our first baby take his/her first steps? Why are we going to miss out on taking him/her to their first day of school? So many questions I asked, and of course, no answers in return.
I lost my faith. I couldn’t understand why He would allow this to happen.
Then, I started to read about Job in the bible. One afternoon, God said to satan, “Have you considered my servant Job?” And that’s when it all began.
Satan began attacking him left and right. He was a faithful man who feared God. He did no wrong, and yet he lost everything he had.
He was wrongfully accused by his friends of having done wrong, having sinned. Job was a righteous man, and he knew that he did no wrong in the eyes of God. His friends continued to attack his character, but Job knew that this wasn’t happening to him because God was punishing him. God was testing him. God knew Job’s heart, and knew that He wouldn’t stray no matter what satan threw at him.
Obviously, God was right. Job never strayed. And in the end, God blessed him double because of it.
What I’ve gathered from our losses is that God tested us.
I believe that God will restore all that we have lost. He will restore the joy that we once had when we were naive to loss. He will renew and restore our faith. He will restore what the enemy has stolen from us.
He has not forsaken us. He is where He has always been – watching over and protecting us. The weapons against us were formed, but they have not, and will not prosper.