Motherhood Pregnancy Loss

Beauty for Ashes

 

Beauty where hopelessness once resided.

December 23rd.. a day I thought I would loathe for the rest of my life. 

December 23rd.. the day I was born. Also the day my daughter was supposed to be born. 

December 23rd, 2020.. the day I turn 23. Also the day my daughter was supposed to be celebrating her first birthday. 

December 23rd, 2020.. the day my precious rainbow baby boy becomes 11 weeks old. 

Last year, my husband and I spent my birthday at Virginia Beach. It was a beautiful time to get away and connect with each other during a time of grief. I can’t say it completely distracted me and took my mind off things, because it didn’t. But we spent time doing things we had never done before, in honor of Aaliyah who should’ve been here with us. 

This year, I get to celebrate the most precious birthday gift that I could ever hope to receive – my gift from above, my gift from God, my baby boy. 

I truly thought that I would be grieving Aaliyah every day for the rest of my life. But the truth is, I’ve finally moved forward. I’ve finally healed. 

What being “healed” doesn’t mean: 

It doesn’t mean I don’t think about her. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss her. It doesn’t mean I don’t dream of what things would’ve been like if she were here. It doesn’t mean I don’t talk about her or share about times while I was pregnant with her. And it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t love her. 

What being healed does mean for me is being able to do all of those things without sinking back into the once depressed place I was in. It means doing those things without drenching the sheets and my pillow with my very heavy tears. It means doing those things without my chest tightening and feeling like I’m gasping for air. 

I’m finally able to look back at last year and truly be humble and grateful for what God has brought me through. After all, there can’t be a rainbow without a storm. 

Though she passed, I would not have my baby boy if my sweet Aaliyah had not been born. And although it saddens me that she was not able to live her life here on earth, I rejoice in knowing that my sweet baby boy is here, happy and healthy, and that Aaliyah is resting very happily in heaven without a care for this world. 

This is what I call, “Beauty for Ashes.”

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3 Comments

  1. desirayl December 21, 2020
    • Nae Noelle December 21, 2020
      • desirayl December 21, 2020

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